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Monday, April 21st, 2008
3:48 pm

day one of fasting has so far been  a success.  I have to leave for drivers ed in like an hour and i will be there till 8.  When i get home i'm gonna go straight to bed... there was this youtube video that my friend told me to watch, so yeah, might watch that first... and i also have some of this book we are reading in school... a separate peace.  its not half bad actually.  i'm not totally hating it, so thats a plus!  but yeah, today on the fasting front has gone excellently.  i must say this right now... adderal is my new best friend.  i was starving when i woke up like wicked starving... and i took one 20mg pill... and my god, within a short time i was fine.  and i had a coffee (i'd say probably around like 10 calories because i added a little bit of milk to it).  i was feeling a little trippy from 2nd period till like 6th haha, i still feel it... but not as bad.  I'm gonna bounce to that store and get a low carb monster (only 20 calories) before drivers ed though.  i will need the caffiene to stay like... sane? haha yeah.  adderal and low carb monster... two of the best inventions on the planet yo.  so yeah.... i'm off to do some bio homework, laundry, and sit-ups before i have to leave.  its a mothafuckin partay.

current mood: trippy

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Sunday, April 20th, 2008
9:38 pm - fuck people.

What happened? Where did all the kindergarten teachers go wrong? What about all the parents?  A few fucking simple words to get through a goddamn childs head.  and when we are kids we are gullible right? anything someone told us to do we did right? if so... then how the fuck is it that they can't learn "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  we've all heard it.  how hard is it to follow?  at least a little bit.  why is it that people find the need to bitch about everyone and everything? what is the appeal of sitting around and talking shit about everyone else? does it make them feel better about themselve? maybe... who the fuck knows. 

current mood: pissed

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Monday, April 14th, 2008
8:57 pm

So today was like a rollercoaster.  It started great.  Didn't eat that much, kept it low calorie.  Life was goodish. Came home and my sister called me fat, our friend agreed with her.  i ran to my room and cried.  and cried.  and cried.  She doesn't realize how much she can hurt my feelings.  Then i finally came out of my room to get some pineapple for dinner and she was there and we talked for a bit and i told her that what she said hurt me.  did she apologize, no.  of course not.  instead she say, i'm just gonna keep on saying it because i know that it hurts you.  cuntface.  then i went to my first drivers ed class.  there was this kid that i met last year there.  we were never really friends or anything but he was wicked nice to me.  like, the instructor passed out these papers and there wasn't enough so he handed me his.  nothing much but it was cute.  he probably was just being polite, but whatever.  polite works for me.  so yeah.  my evening was going GREAT.  then i came home and was talking to my best friend and she told me that she was getting back into suicidalness.  it makes me sooo sad to see her like this.  and i dont know what to do.  i want to tell her that i am too and she is one of the only reasons that i'm alive right now... but i feel like that would upset her more.  so i told her that i loved her.  and she told me that i was the reason she lived.  i'm glad because i don't want her to go and kill herself or anything... because i know how much that sucks being that low and just wanting it all to end.  but at the same time... i feel like if i were to do something to upset her... i don't know.  haha im suicidal but i can't even deal with other suicidal people.  lol.  oh well.  i can't really deal with people in general.  but yeah...  i don't even know what i feel anymore.  it's been a long ass day.  now my ex boyfriend is IMing me... of course he greets me with 'hey hawtie" ... yeah... thats how my exes talk to me.  he still really likes me and i don't know why... i've broken his heart like a billion times.... and i feel bad because there isn't anything there for me anymore... and i think he thinks that we are going to get back together or something.  i feel like in a few days this is all gonna come crashing down... and it's gonna SUCK!


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Friday, February 29th, 2008
7:50 pm - my night....

so last night i basically flipped out.  i dont even know why...
but i did. so i took my ipod because since my mom was in the other
room sleeping i could use my speakers... anywho... i took a bunch of
pills with some champagne because thats the only alcohol in my house
right now :/... so i was lying on my floor flippen from all the pills and
just sliced up my left arm and legs then i smeared the blood on some
paper and made pictures... i dont know what i was thinking haha but i
did... maybe it was a lack of sleep since as of now i havent slept in over
2 days.... anywho somewhere in this flipout i lost the ipod... and my
razors... so i have to look for those before my mom finds them like on
my floor or something... she already found my knife and exacto-blade...
she never said anything about it but i know she took them... at least
she hasnt found the shaver i dismantled... but then again i lost it too
so she might have found it for all i know... and on top of that my
friend slept over and we were talking all night long... my mom asked me the
next day if we ever slept and i decided to be truthful and said no and
she told me she heard us at like 5 in the morning talking and thats
why she asked... i have my fingers crossed that she didnt hear anything
we were talking about because it would be BAD... we were talking about
cutting, drinking, drugs, and how far my friend went with her bf... so
you can kinda see how a 16 year olds mother would not like to here this
stuff haha...

current mood: sick

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Tuesday, February 5th, 2008
7:13 am
So my mother is going on this healthy kick and its frikken amazing.  the only thing that is in the house is fat free everything and fruits and veggies.  im in heaven.  there used to be junk around every corner... now its all healthy.  its my dream come true. and she just went out and ordered this new excercise video turbo jam, which people have told me was good... so im happy.... and she is encouraging me to excercise.  i love menopause... because my mother is being nice and healthy and its perfect.  i never had this support before.  she knows i want to lose weight and be fit and she is fine with it... but i dont think she knows what my goal is... and she also bought me these vitamins which are also dietary supplements... i dont know if she realized it or not... buts its perfectly fine with me... =] im so happy...  and bonus... i woke up and it turns out we have a 2 hour delay... so i can relax from now till 9... woot!... that means we will have shortened classes so... only 30 minutes of science!  and i actually have time to do my homework that i decided to not do last night... today is so great

as for the apple diet/experiment... well my stomach was bothering me a lot a few days before i started... i had been taking a lot of ibuprofin (of course it was in the wrong bottle which said acetometophen) and when i say a lot i mean A LOT...and ibuprofin irritates the stomach... so um... i think i may have a problem there... hopefully it isnt an ulcer or anything... i dont really want my mother to find out... so anyway... the only eating apples was killing my stomach and it hurt so bad i couldnt move... so i am going back to my 500 cals. max a day diet... it worked really well before and i lost about 5 lbs a week... i would have had amazing weight loss in december if it wasnt for the holidays which i was forced to eat at and there were people all over the place so i couldnt purge.   ugh... anyways... i want to get back to where i was before christmas... so im starting with my diet!  maybe once my stomach stops murdering me i will try the apple thing again... i really think i could have worked... but i also didnt have enough apples... and it would get suspicious if all the apples were gone and i asked for more in the middle of the week... maybe once i get my car or it isnt snowing i will try again... anywho its time for my neglected homework :/

current mood: optimistic

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Sunday, February 3rd, 2008
9:16 pm

So i was at dinner and my mom looked at my plate and was like making fun of how much i was eating... it hurt... i was thinking... im eating for you not because i want to... seriously... macaroni salad is repulsive but i ate enough to make her not sispicious of anything... but really... were does she get off telling me im eating to much...like i dont mind because quite frankly if she is ok with me not eating then fine... im happy not eating... but ive never been told ive been eating to much... it kind of makes me feel like im failing... but tomorrow is the beginning of my apple diet so im happy.  of course she went further into pissing me off and told me i couldnt go to the concert that i have been planning on going to since last year... so we started yelling at eachother but i was so pissed that i ended up taking a shower and cutting up my leg with this fancy new blade i found at my friends house... i got some nice cuts out of it... i feel a little better now too... but im still pissed... im going to try and convince her to let me go still...

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5:25 pm - my weekend
aight... so i have had an ok weekend i guess... i was supposed to go to my friends birthday party... which was mulan themed for the record so it would have been amazing... except she passed out and her mom made her cancel it... i guess a disease runs in the family where that happens and stuff like that so now she gets an EKG and is going to be tested for some stuff... fun... anywho... instead of her party i ended up going to my friends house and we played guitar hero 3 all day... we almost beat expert coop career mode but one by metallica and number of the beast by iron maiden are being little bitches... anyway... then i ended up sleeping over... we were supossed to pierce my ear... but we fell asleep first... then then this morning another one of our friends met up with us and we treked to my house to play rock band... which we did till 4 in the afternoon... it was fun... but my mom made them leave because she wants to chill with me and my sister for the superbowl... fun... then she flipped out at me for having a bunch of dishes in my room... blah blah blah... since then i havent done much else... maybe ill play the guitar for a bit... maybe shower... since i havent since friday i think... whatever... when i was at my friends house we found these blades and went around her house slicing things... hahaha it was fun... i kept mine and it is now hidden in my room... you can guess the purpose for me keeping it... 

WOOT... tomorrow is the official start of my all apple diet.  yay... for the next week the only thing i will eat is apples... and it is perfect because im the only one who knows that it is a weight loss attempt... i've been telling everybody that it is an experiment to see it results on my digestive tract... :) they all laughed and thought it was funny... yay...no one will be suspicious....

current mood: cheerful

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Tuesday, January 29th, 2008
11:32 pm
 update time... ok so that kid i danced with a century ago at homecoming is now friends with me and i dont feel like a bitch and a slut... but at the same time i do. all my friends are like 'hes creepy and gross dont talk to him' and im like fuck you hes my friend and he may be creepy but so am i, i have come to realize.  but thats not why i feel like a slut bitch etc ... so like the kid has a girlfriend now and i always liked talking to him before because i knew he liked me and that made me feel like i was worth something because someone actually thought i was pretty etc etc and even though it was obvious that nothing would ever happen, it was still nice (i have a problem with younger guys and older girls)... anyway, once he got a girlfriend, i was like bitch no... because there goes that one thing that at the time made me feel good.  so i feel like a bitch for that because i was kinda using him or whatever... now for the slut part... ok so the kid has a girlfriend, but we are always talking.  we are always writing on eachothers facebook walls and in IM together... sat/sun night/morn we talked for over 5 hours... about weird stuff too... and like, where was his girlfriend... i dont know but i feel like a skank like talking to him all the time knowing that it should be his girlfriend hes talking too... so im all emotionally everywhere... 

so  last week a few of my friends decided we should make a band... woot!... and its fun... we have all the instruments and we already know a song... dont ask to hear us play it together because we suck, but we are having a good time... but at the same time we are trying to be serious with it.  we are writting our own songs on top of doing some covers and we are trying to jam as much as possible... but its really hard because we have really busy scheules.. well i dont because i have no life whatsoever... but they do... and there is some drama i guess between us... like if we are going to be serious, we all have to be serious, there cant be the one slacker who never is around... it wont work.  so this particular person is busy all the time, hasnt written anything  at all for us, and is always mad at someone else in the band.  she is showing no committment and it is sad... i know we wont get famous, i can tell you already it isnt in the cards for any of us, but we want to keep it going at least for a little while... i just feel like it might end up like all the other things we've started... we never finish anything and its upsetting... hopefully it turns out for the better... but she is really pisssing me off... she makes fun of all my friends and i get wicked defensive about it... like this one friend of mine she is always calling fat and needy and whinny and im like... she has ADHD and sometimes doesnt take her pills... thats how she gets... and she makes fun of her all the time... (the girl she makes fun of is one of my best friends just to let you know) then another one of my good friends she makes fun of because she didnt shave and then wore a dress for a movie we had to make... now she makes all these rude comments about her being hairy and not shaving and being glad she isnt in her gym class because she would puke seeing her in shorts... im just like... DUDE... these are some of my closest friends and you are going off about them all the time... it hurts my feelings too... next time she does it im probably going to slap her... shes pissing me off so much lately...

so a few weeks ago when i tried to kill myself, i cut my arms up, and i totally lost the razor blade in my room somewhere... not good... what if my mom is in my room, looks on the floor and is like what the fuck, sweetheart why is there an exposed bic razor on the ground?  not going to go over well... plus, i know it is bad, but i really want it... i dont want to have to make another, and i will if i have too, and i also dont want to have to use the exacto-knife... im afriad im going to get syphillys from it or something....   

i've been taking a lot of pain killers lately... the other night i took 7-10 somethings, planning on going to bed but then my mom is like, lets watch a movie... so i ended up passing out, she thought  i just fell aasleep... whatev... she didnt know... then in school i took about 5, then 2 more on the bus.  i dont know why i do though... like if im really emotional then i grab them and swallow what i get... and i definatly just remembered that my mom took my phone out of my jacket pocket and in that jacket pocket there was a bag full of pain killers... : /... uh oh... hopefully she doesnt think anything suspicious...eek

so my mom said i couldnt get a van as my first car... oh well... i love what i get no matter what... just because... of course im not going to get my license till like 2 monthes after my 16th birthday... im so pissed... and my fucking drivers ed is going to interfere with tennis... the first sport i've decided to go out for since basketball in 7th grade... bad memories... anyway, ive finally gotten over it and i want to play a sport finally and no i cant because of drivers ed... maybe its an omen that tennis is a bad choice for me... i would much rather drive then play tennis... and i get to walk to my class so im happy... woot excercise :D

diet going bad...
must not eat...
eating is bad...
food = fat...
fat = obese...
obese = ugly...
ugly = me....

my head hurts, i am going for some excedrin

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Monday, January 21st, 2008
5:48 pm - im fucking serious
  I hate my sister with a passion and i mean it.  if sher were to go anf get hit by a car or die in her sleep or whatever i swear  i wouldnt care less.  I know it seems cruel but its true.  everything about her presense repulses me in every way possible. seriously.  shes such a bitch and a loser.  Everybody wants to be their own person and im trying but she doesnt see that and immitats everything i am about.  she tries to dress and act like me, loves the same bands i do (but she doesnt actually know their music mind you) and It pisses me off.  there are the few things about me that i actually stand up for and i dont want to be the same as my sister for fucks sake.  and now shes tryin gthis new poser emo thing,and i know it is old and obnoxious but thats not who she is.  she trys to be like this new girl shes met whos sort of emo in style. now my sisters all like 'i want a messenger bag' and im like ' they destroy your back'  but they are just so 'cool' she just hasd to have one.  where i am from now matter how wrong it is messanger bag = emo/poser.  then she went to the mall and bought a nightmare before xmas belt.  so fucking gay.  ive heard it is a good movie but you dont get a belt of it... seriously... thats pretty lame.  and now shes all into band tees and such.  she so copycatting everyone and not being herself.  i fucking hate that in a person.  i hardly ever stand up for myself and i hide from everything... i know that... but ive never tried to be one of my friends or even act like them, ive always stayed at least that true to myself...  when we were young everyone always told us how similar we were in looks, interests and antics.  i hated it.  ive tried so hard since then to at least establish myself as a separate individual, and she is right behind trying to take that away from me.  i get side bangs so does she, i DREAM of living in chicago - guess what... all the sudden the girl who wanted to live in a nice small town wants to live in chicago too.  and to the same goddamn college i want to go to... I HATE HER... and now she is like stealing my best friend from me... like they can be friends and all that great what ev... but she is MY best friend so she needs to keep her hands off... my sister is inviting her over for sleepovers and sstuff and im like... um... my friend not yours bitch... not cool at all... she used to get mad at me when i hung out with her friends so its pretty hypocritical of her to be doing that to me... but if my friend wants to hang out with her fine i dont care... but my sister is going out of her way to seem like the better party in the situation... UGH i want her to be sent away in a box to a syphillis infested island to die

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Thursday, January 17th, 2008
10:57 am

so i got to come home early today because of midterms and since no one is around i decided to clean the food cabinet. i organized all the food in healthy and not healthy sections... and i hid all the food that i typically like to eat when i see it like cookies and stuff... so now when i look in the closet the only thing i see worthi eating is rice cakes.. only 35 calories!.... then i turned alll the poptart boxes around so the calorie thing doesnt show... i wouldf have put it the other way so that i could see all the calories in them and then not want to eat them... but i think they taste like shit so i dont eat them anyway... instead i hid the calorie thing so that my friend who LOVES poptarts wont see the calories in them and therefore eat them all... is that weird? to sabatoge your friends weight loss?  but i couldnt live with myself if she lost more weight then me. i feel like such a bitch... anywho...i am going to attempt to run on the treadmill... if i can get to the fucking treadmill with all the shit in the way of it... but i need the excercise... and i really feel like purging too... i had some shrimp for the protein before i run and a smoothie for the vitamins but i feel like a tub nayway... i guess i'll run and see how i feel when im done... if i still want to purge i will... its decided....

to the treadmil ->>>>>>

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Wednesday, January 16th, 2008
7:17 pm

ok.  so i am officailly no longer a vegitarian.  every time it was 'that time of the month' i would always get sick and my mom told me i wasnt gettign enough protein blaqh blah blah... ao i decided i was going to be pescatarian instead.  that means the only meat i eat is seafood.  most seafood is really good for you anyway... like i just had shrimp and it was only like 80 calories!!!  and 17g of protein!!! thats pretty much god-like... plus it has a bunch of vitamins and crap that i should have...  i dotn know how my mommy will react though.... if i tell her i eat seafood but no meat she will be like 'if you can eat a fish you can eat a cow!'  what she doesnt realize is all the saturated fat and shit thats in that piece of steak.  i dont think i could ever put the flesh of a cow or pig or deer or anything like that to my lips knowing all the fat and calories that are in it.  its disgusting!  im fine with my shrimp..., plus i couldnt keep getting my protein from peanut butter and almonds and milk.  to many calories for the amount of protien they were giving me.  and my mom already told me that if my only protein was eggs i would get sick and die of high cholesterol or some shit... what ever... she should at least be happy that she doesnt have to worry about me dying or whatever from malnutrition, not like any of the shit she buys is helping.  how is chips, cookies, and ice cream bars gonna help me stay healthy? its going to make me lag and laz around the house.  its like a proven study that if you eat a bunch of junk food you are less likely to excercice therefore get fat and conttribute to americas fucking obesity.  i want to live a healthy life and be skinny winny and not be weighed down from all the pasta and cheese being shoved in front of me.  im fine living off of fruits and veggies and nuts and some occational seafood.  i feel better about myself that way and i dont want to cry as much when i dont get my daily excercise.  ugh speaking of my fucking mother... she friggen set up a card table in front of my treadmill so now i cant put my treadmil down to run... does she want me to get fat?!?!?!?!?! i would run outside but it is sooo cold... i do not run in 19 degree weather!... its just not going to happen... and her stupid fucking shair is in front of my weight machine!!!... but the good news is that she told me i could have the old computer in my room along with my laptop!!! now i can edit my movies on one computer and save them and such, and have games maybe... and all my music can be on the other... you also have to know that my laptop is ages old and has the memory eqivalent of a retarded fish.  the other computer isnt a laptop but a desktop computer, can actually play dvds and i think it can burn stuff.... all thing my laptop cant do... shes only letting me have it because my sister got a new laptop for xmas last year and im stuck with my shithole of a computer.   however i do get a new one when i graduate so i can have it for college... but until then im gonna have a fucking lab like one of those computer geniuses in the movies... its gonna be sick!

ok... so that kid i danced with at the dance is like freakishly obsessed with me now.... i guess he told a friend of mine who is friends with him that he thinks i am the most beautiful girl he has ever seen and all this other stuff... and it is sweet but creepy as hell... like really... i have NEVER talked to him ever... and some how he knew my name which was weird because i definatly didnt tell him...  and maybe i gave him the wrong impression by dancing with him, but it was for fun. actually more of a joke and i know it was mean and i feel like a hypocrite for doing it because i never ever wanted that to happen to me and i fear it happening so bad to me... its like my top fear... rejection and humiliation and being a joke... all the things i never wanted to be... but maybe by being the initiator of this situation its just tying into my fucked up mentality.  i dont know... oi so regret it now... thats why i will NOT be at winter semi... i dont want to do anything that i will regret and i know i will if i go... i always do.... but anyway... to kinda make up for being a hypocritical bitch, im like beig friends with this kid... and i have no problem with doing that... but my other friends (the ones who make fun of him with me... long stories from elementary school have put this kid near the top of our make fun of list... but is it all that bad... none of us are (were) friends with him then and it was only me and two other girls and no one ever heard... we werent hurting him because he didnt know and never would... but maybe it is i dont know)  they are laughing at me for this all and im like, sorry he likes me but im not a total bitch, if he wants to talk to me let him talk to me whatever no big deal... theres other stuff to but there isnt enough time in the day to go through it... then this other girl is like encouragin ghim to persue his crush and i have already told her it isnt funny i dont like him at ALL in that way... im sure hes a nice kid and all but friends only  none of the boyfriend girlfriend shit... not with him... plus hes like 2 years younger than me and i have a major problem with relationships like that for some reason... it alwa ys creaped me out....

i hate myself sometimes (all the time)

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Tuesday, January 8th, 2008
12:48 pm - So we thought the end was here...
So the other night i was sitting in my room and i was thinking... what is the point?  why am i here?  what am i supposed to do that makes it so important that i suffer day after day?  i didnt know the answers then, and i still dont, but at that moment i decided that it didnt matter at all.  i wasnt enjoying anything, everything that meant something to me was turning to shit and i couldnt handle it.  so basically i decided i should just end my life.  and it was ok.  so i took a bottle of pills and swallowed a bunch of them.  i dont really know how much exactly, but i didnt care.  i just wanted to be over.  then i took a razor and started slashing my wrist.  i went to sleep crying and hoping that i wouldn't wake up, and if i did it would be in a hospital there where people could help me sort out my shit and figure out why i act the way i act and feel the way i feel.  

Unfortunatly, when i woke up i was still in my bed and i still had to go through my day just as before.  When i got out of bed i put my clothes on and did my make up and when i stood up i was so nauseaus.  i  guess the pills caught up with me.  so i ran to the bathroom to throw up, but by the time i got there i didnt need to puke any more.  a few minutes later i ended up running into the bathroom and throwing up anyway.  so then i was about to tell my mom that i threw up and i shouldnt go to school, but she told me that she was taking the day off of work so she could get some things done so i decides there was no way in hell i was spending the day with my mom, no matter how much i needed to puke.  so i went to the bus stop, got on the bus, and went to the school.  of course as i was getting off the bus i started, i dont really know what its called but it when you know you are about to throw up and your stomach starts to contract and sends up vomit... heaving maybe, but anyway, that happened and i was like 'oh shit im going to puke' to my friend and she was like 'lets get you to the bathroom'... so i fast walked to the bathroom with my friend holding onto me and threw up in the school bathroom toilet.  it was disgusting... i HATE public bathrooms... but at least it was in the morning so it was freshly cleaned.   anywho... my friend took me to the nurse and they sent me home.  so i ended up spending the day with my mom anyway... but not really because i slept all day long.  and it was a good thing too because i accidentally left  my bloody shirt from the night before on my floor not expecting my mom to stay home and do laundry... so i hid that shirt.  but basically i got yesterday and today off from school... and i am doing an excellent job on my diet.  i feel so much different then i did on sunday.  thats what scares me the most though.  i am always bouncing from being happy to being sad and every once in awhile i get really sad, and its always even more sad then the last time i was really sad if that makes any sense.  i dont know if the next time i get that way im going to actually kill myself.  But anyway, this was attempt number 2.  

current mood: content

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Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
7:57 pm - the new motherfucking year

another  year has rolled around... i dont know how i feel about that.  mixed emotions i guess.  looking back i realized that i got hardly anything accomplished.  i hardly lost any weight, i havent completed any of the projects i've started, and the list goes on and on... i want to be all "a new year, a new start" but everything is just days.   there is no difference between yesterday and today.  its all a lack of motivation and i cant seem to find it.  i also realized that i am probably the most boring person ever.  i seriously cant find a single thing that is unique about me.  im not pretty or thin or muscular, im not a good artist i suck at anything athletic, im not a good speaker, i have major issues with communication (probably why i have a livejournal so people i know and interact with daily dont really know how i feel) i am a mediocre student... and so on... i feel so useless in my life, like i have nothing going for me at all and sometimes i wonder if it is even worth it at all to keep going.  right now i dont feel like anything is getting better or going to get better... so anyway i started to cut again... i was trying to heal my old cuts so that i could go in my friends hot tub, but i really dont feel like being in a bathing suit right now anyway, i feel like a tub.  so i started to cut once more and i did more damage in one night then i have in a week... it was so bad... and now i feel guilty that i did it after doing really great going without it.  im also anxious my mother will find my blood staind pajamas or my razor blade...  i dont know what i'd do if she found out... i'd probably run off to be honest... i've actually een thinking about that too.  i dont want to live my life stuck in a prison of people who  dont like me and judge me and make me feel bad about myself just to graduate and go to another school where the same thing happens, then work my ass of the rest of my life to get enough money to retire when im 50, old gray and wrinkly and by then i will only need the money so i know i wont be buried in a sewer.  i would much rather take the train out of this hell into the city, live life a little till i died at the nice age of 27 from either starvation or AIDS.  at least i get to live with option number 2... but logically that will never happen and i will have to make the best of school and everything else...  thats a bummer

current mood: melancholy

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Monday, December 17th, 2007
8:57 pm - today

so we got a bitch load of snow, but we still had to go to school.  im pretty pissed off.  but i am really proud of myself for sticking to my diet today.  i only had an apple all day and i was still full... i love it.  my mom forced me to eat some of the left over chili and a slice of bread for dinner :(... but i only had a ladle full of chili and the bread was whole wheat and low cal. so i didnt do to bad for calories.  probably under 200 :D... my mom wont be home for dinner tomorrow so i think i will do better.  christmas is so close and i really want to shed those last few pounds.  my mom is being a total bitch and wont let me use the treadmill so i have been compulsively doing crunches, sit-up, and using dumbbells as a way to get some excercise during the day... tomorrow i will move all the shit out of the way of the treadmill and run no matter what.  there is no way that i can lose optimal weight this week only with dumbells.  i've also started builing a thinspo journal... hopefully it will help me out.  i've been having really bad cravings and my will power isnt that strong right now.  not to mention my period is just around the corner i believe.  i dont really remember the last time i got it... but it is usually around now...

current mood: content

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Saturday, December 15th, 2007
12:12 am - today : (

Just as i though, today sucked ass.  first of all we didnt have a snow day or even a delayed start.  i was really hoping i could sleep in... but no.  but luckily during school we didnt do anything but watch movies and stuff, so i got to nap then.  then after school me and some friends confirmed our plans for the dance and i found the ten dollars i needed to get in.  of course the dance started off sucking because no one was there yet.  we came late so we wouldnt have to stand around awkwardly, but we had to anyway.  so soon people came and we danced and danced.  then this kid came up and was dancing alone so i decided, why not dance with him and make him feel good about himself.  of course after we started grinding i realized i was dancing with the nastiest freshman there was.  i wanted to throw up, but i felt bad so i stayed there for awhile.  but then he like started pulling up my shirt and touching my stomach which is NOT ok because i am really self consious about my stomach... why the hell else would i have a fucking ED.  so i moved his hands down so he was on my waist, but then he started pulling up my skirt, which is where my cuts were... so i was like im done, and luckily my friend came and rescued me and pretended my sister was really sick... i was thanking her nonstop.  but on some level it was hilarious.  like, me and my friends always try to outdo each other with things... i think i won.  hopefully no one saw that knew who we were.  i would probably kill myself.  ugh that kid is so nasty... but besides that, i got to dance with my friends and it was a good time, except this one stupid girl kept dragging one of my friends away... she is really clingy i guess, and i hate that.  my friend came with me so i think i should get to spend some time with her tonight.  i hardly ever saw her at all.  i was pissed, and i still am actually.  so then i came home and my mom started yelling at me about not putting things back where they belong and stuff, and i was like chill out, im sorry, but i dont need this right now.  then she was mad at me about my grades, and i already explained to her why they were what they were.  so tonight wasnt that great.  

so now about my new diet... basically i can eat anything that is a negative calorie.  besides that i can eat up to about 200 calories extra which i hardly do anyway.  then i excercise, excercise, excercise!  i checked the scale this morning and i was down to 115!!!! im so proud and excited... my new goal is 112... i think i can do it... only 5 more lbs before my goal for christmas... i might actually get what i wanted this year : )

current mood: blah

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Thursday, December 13th, 2007
8:29 pm
 after saturdays party i knew i said a lot that i shouldnt have said... but i thought that it would just blow over and no one would think to much about anything and if i ate in front of people then they would think that i ate all the time and if i was happy they wouldnt think i cut.  maybe they'd think i made it all up, and since they were all drunk they just thought they saw my scars.  i'd rather be a liar then have them know anything.  the first few days were weird, but then it seemed like everything did blow over for the most part.  but then i found out my sister had a video of that night.  and it fucking had me saying almost everything.  i was cringing as i watched it and i almost started to cry because she wouldnt delete it and she is planning on showing it to my other friend that was there.  ugh im like freaking out.  

earlier today i was in my math class and my teacher hands me this pass to go to the guidance office during my study hall.  i was practically shaking.  i couldnt figure out why she wanted to talk to me.  so i was thinking she found out about my ED or my cutting because maybe someone saw the scars or something.  i dont know.  turns out i flipped for nothing because all she was doing was checking in with everyone she is a guidance councelor for and seeing how they are doing this year and asking them questions about their plans for college and what they felt their strengths and weaknesses are.  so it wasnt that bad.  i also found out that my GPA is a 3.641!  i told my mom and she was proud... and i could actually hear in her voice that she meant it... usually she doesnt give a damn about anything and she just brushes it off with a 'great' that sounds obviously insincere.  but then i felt really bad because this quarter my grades have been really bad.  i dont even have good enough grades to make honors... and in my school that is pretty easy.  so i have decided to flood myself in my school work and hope everything else in my life falls into place.  i really feel like i need to work on myself though. i need confidence and pride and i want to love myself.  but right now i dont.  but if i dont get my grades up then thats one more thing to hate myself for.  so i figure i'll do my best till vacation and then take that time to work on myself for a bit and then go from there.  

i dont know if it is almost 'that time of the month' or not because i've been really withdrawn lately.  maybe it was that incident this past weekend... but anyway, i have been dreading coming home everyday this week because i know my friends are coming over and i dont want that.  but i cant just tell them to go home because they are friends with my sister too... but at the same time i dont want to just leave because then they figure that something is wrong or i am being a brat or something.  but i just cant deal with them right now for some reason.  so i sit there and listen to them talk and talk and i just want to put on my giant hoodie that swallows me up, listen to my NIN cd, and go to bed, because in my head i am at peace and i dont have to deal with anything at all.  one of my friends though (she wasnt over this weekend when i was hammered) knows something is wrong and she keeps asking me about it.  but i dont know what to tell her.  if i tell her im struggling with everything in my life and i just wish everything would stop, then she would flip a shit and get me a psychiatrist.  but maybe that is what i need.  i dont know.  but i dont want her to treat me any different.  i want to be the same fun girl shes known since 3rd grade, not the fucked up teenager with a habit of starving herself and making herself bleed to feel better at the end of the day.  i dont know what to do anymore.  and i feel so bad for her too.  i dont want to burden her with my shit because she has enough shit going on in her own life.  she hates going home, because her parents are always fighting and she tells me that they tell her that they hate each other.  and it makes me sad, because i know how that feels, and it hurts like a bitch.  when my dad cheated on my mom and they separated, my mom hated my dad so much for everything he put her through and it hurt me because i was so young and i didnt see it coming.  one day mommy and daddy are happy and act like they love each other and the next day my dads having his things thrown out the door... well it didnt really happen like that but it is close enough for now.  anyway, my friends says the only reason why her parents are together is because of her and her brother.  and i guess that is sweet and all but at the same time it make the enviroment more hostile and upsetting to be in... not to mention that her mom is constantly yelling at her and obviously favors her brother.  its heartbreaking.  but i dont know how to help her because im not strong in the advice field... im more of a listener... but thats mostly because by giving advice i can make things worse, and you cant do any damage listening. 

if we have school tomorrow, then i am being forced to go to a dance and probably do some things i regret.  if we dont have school tomorrow, i'll probably be so bored that i will do things i regret.  so basically, tomorrow probably wont end up a good day... woohoo something to look forward too!

current mood: confused

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Tuesday, December 11th, 2007
5:59 pm

ugh... as always, my days start off great and end like crap.  i ate part of an apple today for breakfast so i wouldnt pass out in math, and i decided that i wasnt going to eat from then untill dinner... of course then my friend forces me to try this bread she had to make for school, but it was uber healthy ingredients so i didnt feel so guilty... but then when i got home my sister starts decorating cookies and i went crazy... i ate so much frosting... and i couldnt get it to come back up... so now i am going to run for ever and ever to make sure i burned all those calories and then some more.  maybe i can still salvage this week if i am really determined. 

current mood: crappy

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Monday, December 10th, 2007
9:47 pm - my weekend
ok so my weekend was going great... my mom wasnt going to be home all saturday night because of her work christmas party, so me and my friend were going to partay.  she came over and we drank... a lot... we both ended up getting trashed.  i dont really remember anything that happened except that i broke this thing in the bathroom when i fell into it, and i ended up saying stuff that i really wish i didnt.  so my friend after she finished puking asked me what my deepest darkest secret was and i decided it would be a good idea so share.  so basically i showed her all the cuts down my thighs and my arms.  she was upset and told me to stop.  then i started to count them because i like to count in awkward situtions and she told me to stop because it was making her sad.  then i guess she tried to get me to throw up so i wouldnt be so hammered, but i couldnt and i guess while i was sittling there i was yelling about how i wanted to kill myself and how i was going to get a knife and die.  then i started ranting about how i'm fat and have an eating disorder and how i starved myself all last week and managed to loose 3 lbs.  then i started to freak out about all the calories in the alcohol i drank (this part i distinctly remember) and i grabbed a toothbrush and started to try and make myself throw up, of course i couldnt. then i passed out for awhile and woke up to my friend putting bandaids on all my cuts.  i almost cried.  i was having so much fun until i started to confess everything.  now my sister and my best friend know everything i've been trying to hide for the past few monthes and it sucks!  i like having my secrets because then i know no one else will find out.  now i'm afraid my sister will say something to my mom or something.  now i'm really paranoid, not to mention its really awkward to be around my friend because i know she knows, but she hasnt said anything yet.  the only good thing is she used to SI too.  we both started about the same time, but she stopped awhile ago and i continued on with it.  i just dont want anyone to be disappointed because i am a failure... thats probably why during my rant, every few seconds i would apolagize.

anyway, the next day we went over to her house, and to get her not to worry about my weight i decided i'd eat, at least a little so she wouldnt think i was starving... but a little turned to a lot and i ended up binging majorly.  now i am restricting for the rest of the week... i have a little caladar with meals planned on it.  i love structure!

current mood: anxious

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Saturday, December 8th, 2007
10:51 am - :D
so i checked my weight today and i am down to 117lbs.  i am so happy!!! i lost 3lbs this week even after binging!  only 2 lbs till my goal!  i am pumped.  if i dont binge at all this week i know i can do so much better! 

current mood: excited

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12:41 am - :(

im so dissapointed and pissed at myself!  i was doing great today... i didnt eat anything till lunch and i this thing, i forget what it was, but it had only like 80 calories in it.  then i came home from school and it all went downhill from there.  i tend to gravitate towards food when i am depressed or stressed out, and i was both today.  ive been really emotional lately and everything is getting to me... mostly because it is my period... but anyway, when this happens i try to stay away from other people because i dont want to be bitchy to them or get mad or anything... so i avoid social situations.  well today my friend really didnt want to go home because her mom was pissed at her, so i figured i would be nice and let her  come over... of course because she came over my neighbors who are also my best friends and practically my sisters, came over as well.  i would have been ok with them over except that they are so loud and i had a beastly headache and they were pissing me off a little.  anyway, since i was pissed and just depressed in general, i started eating and eating and eating everything that i could find.  i ate little portions of everything so i dont think i did that bad with my calories, but i still feel like a beached whale!  and i couldnt purge it because everyone was around!  then i went to go see the musical at our school since i my friends were in it and i wanted to support them, and i saw all the skinny talented girls dancing and singing.  then i felt even worse.  so now i am going to not eat for the rest of the weekend as punishement for being such a douche bag and ruining my week of goodness.  i wish i had more will power!... its taking everything in me right now to not get more pain killers and cut.  

im not going to eat
im not going to cut
im not going to drink
im not going to binge

current mood: depressed

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